You

Does your soul float around me like the twinkling wonder of fireflies?
Do you softly kiss my eyelids at night and whisper me to dreamland?
Is it you that I feel fluttering in my heart each moment of every day?
Do you sit on the shoulders of your sisters and watch over them?
Is it you who's song is sung by the winged beauties each day?
Does your face smile down from the sun and moon?
Is it the ray of your beauty that shines down from the Heavens?
Is the warmth of the wind on my face your little hands touching my cheeks and wiping away these tears?
Stay with me, little one.  Stay close forever.

This song reminds me of you. How is it possible that someone, who doesn't know me at all, can possibly have created a song with words taken right out of my heart and mind?

Slipped Away - Avril Lavigne


I miss you
Miss you so bad
I don't forget you
Oh it's so sad.


I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly.


The day you slipped away.....
Was the day i found
It, won't be the same


I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't ooooooooooooh
I hope you can hear me
Cause I remember it clearly


The day you slipped away...
Was the day i found
It, won't be the same
Oh
I've had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why.
And I can't take it
It wasn't fake it
It happened you passed by


Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go
There you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now you're gone
Now you're gone


There you go
There you go
Somewhere you're not coming back


I miss you.

Oh how I long to carry you.  Inside of me - warm and safe.  Experiencing every moment with you.  All the things that go along with pregnancy.  I want to grow with you, see you inside, feel every movement, and know that you - a part of me and daddy - are going to someday soon be in my arms.  I want to give birth to you - my labour of love.  I want to hear you cry for the first time and feel you as they place your tiny new body in my waiting arms.  I need to know that you're safe, healthy and ours to keep. 
 
I can only hope and pray that one day I get the chance to do it all over again.  Without the loss.  I don't want to know that feeling again. 
 
Please God... just one more time.

It's everywhere.  Babies, bellies, pregnancy announcements - they surround me.  It's like a punishment somedays.  That I've done something wrong in my life - as a parent to my beautiful girls - that I shouldn't have another child because I'm not doing it right as it is.  I wonder sometimes if there will be another baby - one that I'll be able to carry to term, deliver and be able to hold in my arms.  Safely and healthy. 

I have one friend who found out she was expecting at the same time as me in December, when 2 weeks later I miscarried for the second time.  She is now 18 weeks pregnant and blossoming in her pregnancy.  She's craving foods, has a growing belly, and saw her baby on the ultrasound measuring just perfect.  Then, there's another girl I know who will be due just 3 days before what I would have been due with you.  She's got a baby belly and is experiencing all of the things that I should have been experiencing with you.  It's not easy... at all.  I want so desperately to be thankful for what I have... which I so much am... yet there is a part of me who just wants a 'you' so badly.  And I'm trying so hard to not be angry or resentful but I do find it hard to be happy for the two women I talked about above.  I haven't been able to respond to any of their posts because I don't know what to say - and well, frankly, I'm jealous.  I want that. 

I had lunch with a great friend today and we talked a lot about non-traditional medicine.  I have a specialist appointment with an OBGYN to further discuss this third miscarriage and while I'm looking forward to seeing what they'll do I am looking forward to the non-traditional medicine her & I discusssed.  I've contacted a BodyTalk practicioner and will be having a session with her.  I look forward to seeing what my body has to say about what's been happening. 

I want to be happy... I don't want to feel like something is missing inside of me anymore.  Will you come through on Friday at my Afternoon with Angels?  Just a little something so I know that you're here with daddy & I?

Last night I had a dream.  For some reason I was in a hair salon having my hair done.  Someone came up and was mixing drinks.  They offered one to me but before I could answer - someone else said, "Oh, I'll make you something different" - and he gestured towards his belly and made his hands look like they were rubbing a very large, pregnant belly all the while looking at me.

Today, Elijah, I had to dipose of the test I took that day.  The one that had me full of butterflies, excitement, and an unexplained knowing that you were in there.  Part of me feels like this is me leaving more of you behind - but baby, it isn't.  I need to do this - for me.  So every time I open my drawer I don't look down and see the reminder of that day - and the reminder of what is today.

Daddy loves the name I gave you.  He misses you just as much as mommy does.  Your big sister gave me the shirt we had made for her back today.  She had pinned a note to it that said, "Until then."  She is so smart, so wise, and so compassionate.  I gave her a big hug and told her that we'd love to be able to give her that shirt again. 

Don't ever think that a day goes by that I don't think of you, sweet one.  You are on my mind every day, all day.  I hear songs that make me think of you... some of them I choose on my iPod so I can get lost in the words and feel that I am close with you.  If even for a moment. 

I want to dream of you... running with a toy car through a field of grass.  With your hair blowing in the wind... and your giggle carrying to daddy & I while we watch you with huge smiles on our face.  Tonight, I'll try for that dream.  Meet me there?

Love,

Mommy

I miss you

Today, as I was leaving work, I saw a woman.  She had a large, swollen tummy and was blossoming in her babyness.  For a moment I reached down and touched my belly, only to realize that there is emptiness there now.  You aren't there - warm and safe within my womb.  You're in a beautiful place - but no one can love you like me.  No one can hold you just right like me.   No one can appreciate that beauty and perfection like me. 

How does one feel again?  My heart is broken - a part of it left me when you did.  I will never forget each moment, each feeling, each tear as it all came rushing out.  I wonder - Will the sun shine as brightly as it did?  Will the birds sing as beautiful of a song as they did?  Will the tears stop and the pain end? 

Even though our time together was short, Elijah, you will remain etched in my dreams.  I see your fair hair, blue eyes and your daddy's smile.... I can hear your little voice calling my name.  I can see it all.  In my dreams.  Will those dreams every become a reality? 

Until we meet again,
Mommy

Elijah

For I have given you this name - a name which means Angel of Innocence - as it is that for which you are.  It is said that Elijah is the guardian of new babies and those who pass away early.  How fitting for you - my sweet little one.

For You

Two blue lines turn into a cross
Meaning promise and new life
Oh how I felt you at that moment
In my heart, in my soul.

A little flutter, a heartbeat she says
It's there - we could see
You entwined yourself even more
In our lives at that very moment.

The tenderness, the sensitivity
All signs of this life growing inside of me
The dreams that fill my mind
Of the family of 4 - soon to be 5.

The morning light shines through
The color red stains my eyes
Knowing its time to say goodbye
As you grow your wings and fly.

Someday, little one, I will hold your hand in mine
I will kiss your sweet little head and smell your innocence
I will hold you tightly and tell you how much you are loved
Someday, we will meet again. 

~ Love,
Mommy  xo