Last night I had a dream.  For some reason I was in a hair salon having my hair done.  Someone came up and was mixing drinks.  They offered one to me but before I could answer - someone else said, "Oh, I'll make you something different" - and he gestured towards his belly and made his hands look like they were rubbing a very large, pregnant belly all the while looking at me.

Today, Elijah, I had to dipose of the test I took that day.  The one that had me full of butterflies, excitement, and an unexplained knowing that you were in there.  Part of me feels like this is me leaving more of you behind - but baby, it isn't.  I need to do this - for me.  So every time I open my drawer I don't look down and see the reminder of that day - and the reminder of what is today.

Daddy loves the name I gave you.  He misses you just as much as mommy does.  Your big sister gave me the shirt we had made for her back today.  She had pinned a note to it that said, "Until then."  She is so smart, so wise, and so compassionate.  I gave her a big hug and told her that we'd love to be able to give her that shirt again. 

Don't ever think that a day goes by that I don't think of you, sweet one.  You are on my mind every day, all day.  I hear songs that make me think of you... some of them I choose on my iPod so I can get lost in the words and feel that I am close with you.  If even for a moment. 

I want to dream of you... running with a toy car through a field of grass.  With your hair blowing in the wind... and your giggle carrying to daddy & I while we watch you with huge smiles on our face.  Tonight, I'll try for that dream.  Meet me there?

Love,

Mommy