It's everywhere.  Babies, bellies, pregnancy announcements - they surround me.  It's like a punishment somedays.  That I've done something wrong in my life - as a parent to my beautiful girls - that I shouldn't have another child because I'm not doing it right as it is.  I wonder sometimes if there will be another baby - one that I'll be able to carry to term, deliver and be able to hold in my arms.  Safely and healthy. 

I have one friend who found out she was expecting at the same time as me in December, when 2 weeks later I miscarried for the second time.  She is now 18 weeks pregnant and blossoming in her pregnancy.  She's craving foods, has a growing belly, and saw her baby on the ultrasound measuring just perfect.  Then, there's another girl I know who will be due just 3 days before what I would have been due with you.  She's got a baby belly and is experiencing all of the things that I should have been experiencing with you.  It's not easy... at all.  I want so desperately to be thankful for what I have... which I so much am... yet there is a part of me who just wants a 'you' so badly.  And I'm trying so hard to not be angry or resentful but I do find it hard to be happy for the two women I talked about above.  I haven't been able to respond to any of their posts because I don't know what to say - and well, frankly, I'm jealous.  I want that. 

I had lunch with a great friend today and we talked a lot about non-traditional medicine.  I have a specialist appointment with an OBGYN to further discuss this third miscarriage and while I'm looking forward to seeing what they'll do I am looking forward to the non-traditional medicine her & I discusssed.  I've contacted a BodyTalk practicioner and will be having a session with her.  I look forward to seeing what my body has to say about what's been happening. 

I want to be happy... I don't want to feel like something is missing inside of me anymore.  Will you come through on Friday at my Afternoon with Angels?  Just a little something so I know that you're here with daddy & I?